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Conan the Barbarian

“Wrong! Conan, what is best in life? Crush your enemies, see them driven before you and to hear the lamentation of their women! This is good.” Best fucking line in cinematic history! Maybe a slight overstatement but I’m all about the John Millius1982 version of “Conan the Barbarian” starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. I’ve watched this on tour more times than I can remember with the fellas and I always either leave it on or break out the digital copy and start it from the beginning. 

Conan the Barbarian” is the story of a boy who’s village is invaded by the snake cult leader Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones). After his mother and father are slain before him, he is sold into slavery. After years of labor, he becomes a powerful pit fighter and eventually begins his quest to avenge the genocide of his people. If you’ve never seen this movie, you’re a total pussy and should have your stomach torn open by a battle axe and your entrails added to the brew.

An otherworldly performance from my favorite stutterer James Earl Jones as Thulsa Doom. He’s a total freak show in this, it’s great. Valeria (Sandahl Bergman) is the ultimate female warrior, sexy and very dangerous. Valeria, Subatai (Gerry Lopez) and Conan make a fantastic team of theives. Keep your eyes out for La Fours from “Mallrats as Thorgrim (Sven-Ole Thorsen), totally awesome. Also Max Von Sydow pops in for a quick performance as the king.


  • 100%
    Production - 100%
  • 100%
    Story - 100%
  • 85%
    Acting - 85%
  • 90%
    Pacing - 90%
  • 100%
    Ending - 100%


A timeless classic.

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